by Chris Robinson

There are some things about our relationship that are beginning to create friction which is the reason why I requested this meeting. Had this been the old days, before I had to attend all those management seminars about resolving conflicts in a non-confrontational manner, I would simply have said "Get in here," in a NOW-HEAR-THIS-THIS-IS-THE-CAPTAIN-SPEAKING tone of voice.

However, the seminars have been designed to show that the old model of an authoritarian boss issuing orders with the staff promptly executing those orders is passé. Now the preferred management model is teamwork in which managers are encouraged to serve as coaches or mentors for the staff. While I have some lingering doubts about the effectiveness of the new model simply because the old one still seems to work just fine throughout the chain-of-command framework employed by military organizations world-wide and that example appears to most closely mirror the person/dog relationship in our society, I’m not such a moss-covered old fossil that I won’t give new techniques a try.

The first point the seminars always make is that in any conflict situation, poor communication is usually at fault. Differing communication styles lead to misunderstanding. Now, I try my best to communicate what I want in terms I thought you would understand: Sit, down, stay, come, no, leave him/her ALONE, GET OUT OF THE GARBAGE!!!!! However, at least in the latter situation, I’ve obviously failed because you continue to treat the garbage can as your personal food locker. Actually, I wouldn’t mind this quite so much if you would limit your activities to gently nosing through the garbage in search of an overlooked scrap of meat. But it does bother me that you feel compelled to remove all the contents of the garbage can and the wastebaskets to scatter them hither and yon throughout the house. In case you were unaware of the consequences of your actions, it creates a great deal of additional work for me and it also causes a definite deterioration in the quality of my language. Also, when you eat things like a chicken carcass or the shells from pistachio nuts from the garbage can, it almost always results in large cleaning bills and frequently creates a need for professional medical services. While I’m well aware of the benefits to society that a highly educated populace provides, I’m not at all comfortable with the idea of personally paying for the college educations of the children and grandchildren of a half dozen or more veterinarians.

The seminar instructors always stress that almost any management situation is made up of individuals who see the world differently. Conflict occurs when there is a lack of acceptance and a failure to understand these differences. That is not entirely true, at least not the "failure to understand" part. I fully understand why you might consider the white bedspread in the guest room or the eggshell-colored upholstery on the living room couch to be an exceptional dog bed. I just don’t happen to agree with your decision to use these areas for your morning, afternoon and evening naps.

I can also understand that you would think it is perfectly acceptable to sit as close as possible to me or my guests, look extremely sad and drool when we are eating. I can tolerate the close-sitting and the sad faces. What I cannot tolerate are the strings of drool falling into my lap or on the guests’ laps.

Additionally, while I’m fully cognizant of the inherent threat contained in a thunderstorm, it is not the equivalent of a nuclear holocaust. The first distant rumble of thunder does not signal that the end of the world is nigh. There is no need to warn me of the peril of an oncoming storm by shaking, panting, running wildly through the house and trying to climb into my lap. First of all, I’m well aware of the danger posed by lightning strikes. That’s why, when I hear thunder and I’m outdoors, I immediately head indoors. Secondly, trying to sit on my lap during a thunderstorm will not protect you from the ravages of the storm but rather is likely to expose you to harsh words and quite possibly corporal punishment as a 90 pound dog landing on someone’s lap is a highly painful experience for the one whose lap is the target. I hope you’ll come to understand my point of view with regard to lapsitting during thunderstorms.

I know that you believe dead leaves and mud are perfect for improving the looks of the carpeting. Not surprisingly, since I am the one who has to sweep up the leaves and vacuum the mud, I view these additions to the interior decor of the house quite differently. I would much prefer that there not be as many leaves on the living and dining room carpets as there are on the lawn during the autumn leaf-drop. With regard to conditions following the spring thaw, certainly it would not be an unreasonable request to ask you to run across the mud rug instead of jumping it as you do now to land directly on the living room carpet as you enter the house from the dog yard. It also is not unreasonable to ask you to leave the sticks you’ve managed to drag out of the brush pile outdoors instead of sneaking them into the house to be chewed into micromillimeter-sized bits when I’m absent and you are taking advantage of that absence to use the white bedspread or the couch as a dog bed.

I might also assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my auditory sense. I have no trouble hearing either the doorbell or someone knocking on the door. It really is unnecessary when the doorbell rings or someone knocks at the door for all of you to catapult through the office knocking papers off the desk and my chair askew to bay at the door like a pack of hound pups who have just treed their first squirrel. After all, you are bird dogs and there is such a thing as a need to preserve proper sporting dog decorum.

While I’m on the subject of the office, you should be aware that the compact discs on my desk, even if they should happen to fall on the floor, are not miniature frisbees. If I haven’t made this clear in the past, my apologies. Please, in the future, do not play with them. Doing so, in spite of my request that they be left alone no matter whether they are on the desk or on the floor, will likely subject you to loud, profane and intemperate language as well as possible physical punishment.

The seminar instructors are particularly adamant about differing interests creating conflict. This occurs when individuals fight for their personal goals rather than doing their best to achieve organizational goals and doing what is best for the entire organization. A very good example of fighting for personal goals occurs when I ask you to move. What I want when I say "Gangway" is for all of you to go someplace else not just switch positions so there are still at least two dogs in my way. Obviously when I ask you to move, you view this request as an opportunity to advance to most favored dog status by getting closer to management when all I really want is an unimpeded path to the bathroom. Which reminds me. I have been making head calls for years. Only on rare occasions such as when I may have been overly enthusiastic in my consumption of products made from fermented grains have I become even slightly disoriented enroute to this facility and I emphasize that I have never needed a canine escort in order to either find it or successfully complete the mission.

Scarce resources are also responsible for conflict especially when the parties involved believe they must compete for available resources in order to do their job. Let me assure you that I do not place the same value on days-old roadkill, unidentifiable critters in advanced states of decomposition, and certainly not dead skunks, as you apparently do. I have absolutely no interest in trying to share those scarce resources with you. My objective is removal of these objects to someplace where they cannot be eaten or rolled upon because either action is likely to create a considerable amount of additional work for me. It is my belief that since my position at the top of the management pyramid already requires substantial effort, I should not have to assume these additional duties and certainly not during that period of the day known in the United States Navy and Marine Corps as "O-dark-30."

Lastly, a great source of conflict is poor performance. Some of you are simply not doing your jobs properly. When I put my hand in front of your nose and say your name, your response should be to run out, pick up whatever has been thrown or shot, return with it and give it to me. The second requirement of your job is that you should find game birds and cause them to go airborne so that hunters accompanying you can execute a fair shot. If you look in the book under "retriever" and scroll down to "job description," you will find all these aspects which are required in this employment clearly listed.

Nowhere in that job description does it say that you should pick up the dummy or the bird and run off in the opposite direction from me. Nor does it say that upon returning with said dummy or bird to my side, you should immediately expect to play tug-‘o-war with the dummy or the bird as the "tug." To the contrary, the job description states that delivery "shall be done promptly, gently and reliably to hand." The phrase "to hand" does not mean within six feet or so of me and that especially applies when six feet from me would leave the dummy or the bird in six feet of water or the same amount of water and mud. The job description is also not in the slightest bit ambiguous about whether it is permissible for you to eat the bird or not. "Rendering the bird unfit for the table" constitutes sufficient grounds for court martial and severe punishment.

Under the heading "Upland Bird Hunting," the job description does not say that you should range so far ahead of the hunters that birds flushed could only be brought down by weapons having the range of the 16-inch guns on a battleship. It specifically states that when hunting upland birds, retrievers should not work beyond normal shotgun range. I emphasize the last three words simply because they mean you should not get beyond 30 to 40 yards from the hunters. Twenty-one miles considerably exceeds those boundaries, you’d have to agree.

The seminars have always stressed that the most productive form of addressing areas of conflict is collaboration because there is no winner and no loser but rather a working together for the best possible solution. Certainly I would be open to any suggestions you might make to constructively resolve these areas of friction that have arisen. With the proper attitudes, a potentially destructive situation can be turned into an opportunity for creativity and enhanced performance. Having had my say, this meeting is now adjourned.